The SoCal Byte

The Western Gate

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 14:04:47 -0800

From Point Conception to the Mexican border, the coast shears in. Named after the Mission of the Immaculate Conception of the Most Holy Virgin Mary, the Point’s early residents — the Chumash — thought of their home as the "Western Gate," where the souls of the dead found passage to paradise. We live south of paradise, below the Cape of California. In the bight.

Duck and Cover

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 13:32:28 -0800

To better understand America’s culture war, a full consideration of Bert the Turtle is essential. Bert, by the way, starred in the 1951 United States Civil Defense film, Duck and Cover — a black and white animated American pop culture respond to the Soviet Union’s first atomic bomb test in August of 1949.

Misplaced Giving

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 13:18:35 -0800

Gift giving is a talent and a gift, in and of itself. But that talent may be waning in our world. Today, on the fringes there’s a marked increase in a segment of faux gifting. It’s called Gift Donations In Your Name.

Remarks at the End of the Next War

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:29:21 -0800

A exit speech for the next war modeled on US Defense Secretary Leon Panetta’s remarks on leaving Iraq. May God bless our troops, may God bless America, and may God bless those who cashed in.

Cashing in on Schadenfreude

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:05:22 -0800

When I was a child, afternoons at the Callahan house were filled with the unfortunately televised presence of soap operas. The bad acting, the poor production and the sadass storylines were depressing reminders that my family was middle brow and middle class. I was condemned to a world that looked to someone else’s misery as a form of entertainment… on TV. Post-soap opera, afternoons at the Callahan house have turned to court TV for their Schadenfreude.

Tear Down This Statue

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 12:58:38 -0800

Last week a bronze statue of Ronald Reagan at Bonita Canyon Sports Park in Newport Beach, California was remixed — painstakingly rendered, bent over, pulled down — in the same manner and position that Saddam Hussein’s statue was pulled down by Marines in Baghdad after our country’s illegal 2003 invasion of Iraq. Some thought it was thievery. Some thought it was vandalism. We know it was art.

The Honor Overkill Problem

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 14:44:21 -0800

The military has reached PR honor overload. Simply put, they’re receiving too many slices of the honor pie and in the process the public is getting a tummy ache. What’s the solution? Spreading the honor around.

Killer Storms

Fri, 28 Oct 2011 13:14:06 -0700

The Wall Street Journal recently reported that reading “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” to a child increases that child’s likelihood of lying.

Disingenuous Headwear

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 14:19:23 -0700

There’s nothing more pathetic than a man born on third base who thinks he hit a triple. He’s generally dimwitted, yet if he’s enough of a schmoozer he’ll get others to believe his fantasy. I’ve always been a fan of a reality-based world. In that regard, in the past I never wore a team’s colors, unless I was actually on the team. As for baseball, I wasn’t a player. I never hit a triple. I was a fan experiencing the ups and downs of my chosen team dressed like me, Nathan — not dressed like a player or coach, or, heaven forbid, a mascot.

The Breathe Out

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 11:35:13 -0700

Breathing out eliminates toxins and releases what no longer serves you. It pushes your head back into the game. And it’s a kind of protest, a way of stiffing the status quo.

Last Meals Not to Die For

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 14:01:51 -0700

There are times you don’t need to eat. For example: at business meetings and waiting for your execution.

The Blessing of Coffee

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 17:02:34 -0700

You may say the AMA’s deletion of breast milk from my diet, is responsible for my addiction to coffee. It’s one of the few happy things doctors introduced to me. Coffee saved my life.

9-11 and the Art of Darkness

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 15:46:36 -0700

At a press conference in Hamburg, Germany on September 16, 2001, my favorite German avant-garde composer Karlheinz Stockhausen, when asked about the events of September 11th said, “Well, what happened there is, of course — now all of you must adjust your brains — the biggest work of art there has ever been.”

The Frankenstein Trope

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 11:57:40 -0700

The machines we’re driving today are running exponentially faster than our understanding of them.

The Creed of Serendipity

Fri, 05 Aug 2011 12:18:06 -0700

I believe in an accidental god —one who appears by chance, makes heaven and earth, and all that is, seen and unseen, and then says, “Oops, what I have I done?” I believe in chance, the only son of accidents, eternally begotten of happenstance, contained in everything, of one being with randomness. A well-laid plan is all well and good, but serendipity, more often than not, determines the score. For our advancement (or salvation) we provide intent. It’s the only way to prepare ourselves for the random occurrences that dominate our lives. You didn’t expect that to happen — did you?

Who's High Here?

Fri, 22 Jul 2011 15:05:13 -0700

Almost nine years after medical marijuana supporters asked the US government to reclassify cannabis — nine years to take into account the expanding volume of research that clearly demonstrates marijuana’s effectiveness in treating diseases like glaucoma, multiple sclerosis, neuropathic pain and muscle spasticity — our Drug Enforcement Administration concluded that cannabis has "no currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States." Is this not delusional?

The Penis Graffiti of San Marin

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 14:58:58 -0700

Tears and fond memories aside, the three of them walked down the home’s brick path entry to the driveway where, sure ‘nuf, there on the garage door was graffiti — or more specifically, a spray painted penis… pointing in their direction.

A Prayer for Eternity

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 11:47:51 -0700

Oh, heavenly father, mother, sister, brother, all powerful, all knowing, 24/7/364 force of energy and nature who rises above and sees infinitely, hear me, oh lord, hear me. This mortal body is not enough. This mind is not enough. This moment is not enough. I want more. I want to live forever. And it is you who can make that possible. Through your divine love and extra special powers, only you can seal the deal that brokers life for eternity. May I have some, please?

Bipolar Planet

Fri, 10 Jun 2011 14:13:25 -0700

Are you violently happy, irritable, excited, restless, sad, ecstatic, calm, crying uncontrollably, sated, binge eating, horny, completely satisfied, hyperactive or just plain not sure? Of course, you are. You live on a bipolar planet.

Andy Dick Meets The Edge

Fri, 27 May 2011 11:52:45 -0700

This is a tale of two questionable gentleman. One, Andy Dick, is an adopted South Carolina boy who embraced his name which such enthusiasm that by high school he called himself “Super Dick.” The other, David Evans, is a Welsh born music loving son raised in Ireland who dropped his given name to become “The Edge.”

Not Winning

Fri, 20 May 2011 13:51:28 -0700

Outside of sports, games shows and the Academy Awards, people who call them themselves winners are predominantly deluded. No doubt, winning can be positive and exhilarating. Losing can be fucked. But let’s step outside of score-keeping and be honest. First of all losing isn’t necessarily the opposite of winning. To be sure, winning is a plus on some scale. Looking at it from the tail end: I don’t want to lose my life. But winning my life is nonsense. The opposite of winning may simply be taking the day off.

The New Superstitions

Fri, 13 May 2011 12:09:01 -0700

I was raised in a superstitious home. Black cats, walking under ladders, Friday the 13th — my family taught me that these things posed a serious threat to my well-being. But rather than adding magic to my life, my belief in these delusions made for a paranoiac early childhood. “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back” taken literally can produce panic and ulcers. Fortunately, by the time I was seven, I was questioning the legitimacy of bad luck and good.

Political Laughs

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 15:12:12 -0700

I don’t laugh at jokes. I don’t mind jokes and I do laugh. But I laugh at other things: attitudes, sounds, references, situations, timing. Laughing is my signal of playful intent and since for me play is best unstructured, try as I may, damned if I don’t laugh at jokes.

Shopping Your Way to Hell

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 14:22:13 -0700

As a member of Reverend Billy’s Church of Stop Shopping, I recognize the Devil in corporate commercialism where I see it; how this devil inhabits nearly every aspect of our 21st century lives; how the sign of the brand has replaced the holy spirit; how we are christened consumers rather than citizens; how our public spaces, our information, our history, our laws are all subjugated to the forces of the money market, where the endless treadmill of consumption defines human progress. Money may not be the root of all evil, but it’s a good place to start looking.

The Last Word on Charlie Sheen

Fri, 15 Apr 2011 12:36:32 -0700

Suppose, at birth, your parents named you Carlos Irwin. Born in New York City, you had a setup that a majority of Americans would sacrifice their spleen for on the altar of envy. You were the youngest son of a famous actor and a famous artist. Like all enviable families, yours moved to Malibu, California. There you, the young Carlos, with your family’s help, became famous, too.

The Crying of Lab 49

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 13:23:28 -0700

In 2004, UCLA officials discovered that dead bodies willed for medical research to the university were being sold out the back door in a very black market. The sales took place between Henry Reid, the willed-body program’s director, and Ernest Nelson, a body broker, who harvested the corpses from UCLA’s cold storage room. Nelson then sawed the cadavers into suitable cuts of meat, packed them in igloos and hauled them off making more than $1 million selling the body parts to pharmaceutical and medical firms for research.

Indecent Exposure

Fri, 18 Mar 2011 12:11:46 -0700

Now that Jerry Brown is our governor, I’d like to make a suggestion that will not only help balance California’s budget, but increase productive hours for our workforce. But first, a little story:
Yesterday, my friend Mark walked into my office and started sneezing. He wiped his nose with his hand. Then he did the thumb lick and paper turn — you know lick your thumb turn the page. The pages were in my copy of Mark Twain’s autobiography.

The Patron Saint of Obscenity

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 12:31:40 -0800

The other day, my cousin Wayne — who, by his own admission, is a very religious man — told me I’d go to hell because of the language I use. He was half serious and half right. I do use language that could get me in trouble. Let me explain. The podcast broadcast you’re listening to is designated as “explicit” on iTunes. One definition for the word “explicit” is “precisely and clearly expressed.” Explicit also means “leaving little to the imagination (especially, as far as iTunes is concerned) regarding sex.” The only explicit thing I do on-air, besides being precise and clear, is use the words “fuck” and “shit” — as in “What the fuck” and “Holy shit.” Neither of which regards sex.

Resisting the Signature Capture Pad

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 12:57:20 -0800

In the world of the electronic business, signatures live in purgatory. We swipe our credit cards though a reader and tap to verify the amount. Then the LCD lit screen requests that we perform a most unnecessary and humiliating act — sign our names on signature capture pad.

Pro Football in Los Angeles

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 13:58:55 -0800

One of the great blessings of currently living in Los Angeles proper is that professional football is non-existent. Without it, Sundays in LA have been sublime — a sharp contrast to the steroid influenced irrationally inspired exuberant violence the city experienced only a few decades ago.

A National Rational Discourse

Fri, 11 Feb 2011 12:39:09 -0800

What is the national discourse and who says what it is? There’s the national discourse in Washington DC, on cable TV, online, in bar rooms, coffeehouses, at NASCAR, at MoMA, according to Fox, according to Harper’s at Sardi’s and at Pinks. Which one is authentic?

Michael Woodcock as God

Fri, 04 Feb 2011 12:58:28 -0800

Michael lowers the fly swatter like some gear-driven extension growing from his arm socket, sets aside his Woodcock Blue paint and adjusts his Saint Louis Cardinal’s cap. God is stalking a fly. I’ve seen him hunt down the tiny bastards before — here in his Claremont studio, at the Apple Pan in Los Angeles, at the Art Center in Huntington Beach, at Skull Rock in Joshua Tree, at the Charles Eames Studio, at the Quaker Religious Society of Friends.

Bristol Palin, Orange County is Where You Belong

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 11:39:47 -0800

It used to be that I didn’t give a shit about Bristol Palin. And by the way, I know I could have worded that first sentence with a bit more sophistication. I might have said, “There was a time when I cared more about balloon animals than I cared about Bristol Palin,” or “My indifference to Bristol Palin was, at times, immeasurable” or “In the past Bristol Palin — care factor zero.” But to be honest and succinct, it used to be that I didn’t give a shit about Bristol Palin. In fact, I gave sub-shit. On a care scale of one to ten with “balloon animals” a ten, Bristol Palin would have gotten less than zero. Yet, in spit of my intense indifference, Bristol Palin beckoned me, wherever I went. One might even say she haunted me.

Depth of Field and Fashion

Fri, 14 Jan 2011 15:01:36 -0800

Sports fans and fashion fans: The two pretend they’re unrelated. Fans of sports worship the moment of anatomy and athletics. Fans of fashion worship the moment of anatomy and aesthetics. They act as if they’re not family. Who are they trying to fool? The swish of the skirt and the basket, the sharpness of the stiletto and the cut block, the grace of Chanel and Willie Mays — it’s so obvious.

Listen to the Birds

Fri, 07 Jan 2011 14:30:37 -0800

Acute Schizophonia is the fastest growing disease in the US. The condition is caused by a dislocation between what you hear and what you see. Think of a dog barking at a pair of speakers amplifying cat sounds. That’s a minor case of Schizophnia.

Conflicting Consensus

Fri, 24 Dec 2010 19:17:49 -0800

Global catastrophe aside, it’s the consensus that consensus building is a decision making process which equalizes power within a group of people — regardless if anyone knows what they’re doing.

People Are Strange

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 17:27:40 -0800

It was while performing drunk and irreverently at a Door’s concert at the Dinner Key Auditorium in the Coconut Grove section of Miami on March 1, 1969 that Morrison achieved complete freedom while his penis made headlines.

Time Does Not Fly

Fri, 10 Dec 2010 13:21:43 -0800

Today, I’m going to show you how to live longer. Now, I don’t intend to add years onto your life or to make you immortal. We’ll save that for another session. But with Southern California’s latest addition to the self-improvement cavalcade, the Ultimate Minute Extension Program, I guarantee that every minute you live will be prolonged beyond your wildest expectations.

Our Lives on Holidays

Fri, 26 Nov 2010 15:50:01 -0800

I was driving down Harbor Boulevard last weekend when I saw it arriving. You know what I’m talking about. It started with a 10 foot banner that said “Noel.” Next I saw twinkly lights on the hedges and palms around South Coast Plaza. On Sunflower, cranes were positioning reindeer light sculptures. A block away a chain link fence in a Home Depot parking lot marked the boundaries of a future Douglas Fir holding yard. Jesus Christ on a bike, I’m sick of it already and it’s not even December. Here we go — the slide into obsessive oblivion — our head into the holidays.

Compliments Gone Wild

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 14:29:16 -0800

You’ve been a very attentive audience. Thank you. I like praise, too. In fact, I’d like some praise for here, and some to go. But please be certain it’s praise you’re giving me, not butter-up, brown nose, peer-hopping, lip-service.

The Movie Sets of Frank Lloyd Wright

Fri, 12 Nov 2010 15:15:35 -0800

Most intellectuals in the chattering class (as if there’s any other kind) revile Hollywood’s incessant worship of the mundane. But the American tradition of unjust boundless praise isn’t limited to entertainment nitwits. In that regard the learned class can be just as vacant.

Earthquake Weather

Fri, 05 Nov 2010 15:36:50 -0700

In the never-ending attempt to lay maps on the territory, scientists from the U.S. Geologic Survey are currently looking for volunteers in Orange County interested in installing home-based earthquake sensors.

Kirk, Harold and Maude

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 14:21:12 -0700

Even though I’m a big baseball fan, I’m also anti-memorabilia-ist. Storing material prompts for memories is neither my ambition, nor my religion. However, the recent news that baseball legend Kirk Gibson was auctioning off his treasured Dodger World Series keepsakes grabbed me in the way Ruth Gordon’s character in Harold and Maude grabbed me.

Snow White and the EPA Creationist

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 12:05:20 -0700

Last weekend, during that familiar yet awkward point at a wedding reception — before the toasts, cake cutting and garter toss — when the improvised B-list seating arrangements conspire in unpredictably embarrassing ways, I found myself sitting with a group of biologists.

Circling the Seniors

Fri, 08 Oct 2010 13:07:52 -0700

Up the outside flight of steep concrete stairs 81-year-old Frank — hot meal in hand — slowly climbs to a small landing and rings a doorbell. A long minute passes. The front door opens. A head in shadows peers out from inside. Then a wavering aphasiated octogenarian women’s voice dampened by a stroke asks Frank to open the security door that serves as protection against the world outside. The tiny landing is jammed with stacks of old wet newspapers, empty flower pots and two seatless chairs, so, in order to open the security door that swings outward, Frank has to step backward off the landing, balancing the hot meal.

The Hyperreal Whorehouse

Fri, 01 Oct 2010 14:50:31 -0700

This Summer in Orange County, California, Knott's Berry Farm began the tear-down of Goldie's Place — one of the themepark’s last original buildings from the 1940s. The demolition began with little fanfare. That’s surprising because Goldie’s is the berry farm’s imaginary Whorehouse.

The Thank God School of Business

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 13:51:50 -0700

It’s 2 am. The radio is on. But it feels like a dream. Somehow a voice on the air is tempting me to enroll at the Graziadio School of Business and Management. Graziadio? A school of business that thanks God in Italian? How could this be?

The Carnivore's License

Fri, 17 Sep 2010 14:27:51 -0700

I can’t solve everything. But may I propose a way to settle one of our diet dilemmas? It’s called The Carnivore’s License. In simple English, you have to be able to kill it to eat it.

The Greatest Beneficiary Generation

Fri, 10 Sep 2010 12:37:17 -0700

Earlier this year, Orange County, California’s Pacific Symphony dedicated a performance to “the greatest generation any society has produced”. Even though this so-called Greatest Generation is still with us, thanks to the blessing of old age they’re dwindling in numbers. And by Greatest Generation I don’t mean the generation who grew up in the United States during the Great Depression, and then went on to fight in World War II. What I mean is the people who grew up during that time and actually believe that they are The Greatest Generation who ever lived. What a load of crap.

Circumstantial Disabilities

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:24:33 -0700

Dylan Thomas once said that “A born writer is born scrofulous (scruffulous); his career is an accident dictated by physical or circumstantial disabilities.” I’m not sure whether or not I’m a born writer, but I do know that I’m scruffulous — or as my parents used to say, morally degenerate and corrupt. Maybe Dylan Thomas was right. Maybe my degeneracy is related to a disability. It hasn’t gotten me a job. But I’ve always believed in hiring the disabled. Let them suffer like the rest of the world.

Gas Powered Recreation

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 15:20:18 -0700

It was the front page headline in the Los Angeles Times and dominated the local news channels for days. On August 14th, an decked-out off-road Ford Ranger with “Misery Motorsports” painted on its doors went airborne at the California 200 desert race and smacked into a crowd of spectators killing eight and injuring 12.

One Year, Two Summers

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 13:58:29 -0700

In the summer of 1970, Washington, D.C., turned ugly. Ugly not because of the war in Vietnam, or political scandal, or urban riots. Ugly because it was hot—101 degrees perspiration-gathering-on-the-tip-of-your-nose and in-the-small-of-your-back hot. The heat wilted trees on Eye Street and visually bent the brownstones.

My First Air Show

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 17:41:25 -0700

There's a thump at the back of my head — on the wall. Then, I'm in the soup between awake and asleep. Was the screen door slamming?. Frank and Bettilou — my parents —— run into the back yard. With a new moon sky Mom trips, sails and hits the ground. Above, in the silence, a Cessna's engine starts

The Big Reason

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 10:52:16 -0700

As my grandmother Elizabeth aged, nearly all her statements became mottoes or slogans or platitudes. “It’s a great life if you don’t weaken,” she said right after we sang her birthday song.

Little Beasts

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 14:59:03 -0700

I am not myself today. It isn’t because I am awash in all variety of ruination — that my 17 year-old dog, Luna, died in my arms last Wednesday or that my 100 year-old senile grandmother — of whom I am the only grandchild — called me Herman (her long deceased brother’s name), and told me to milk the cows (I consented, hundreds of miles from the nearest bovine utter) .…

Heat is Murder

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 14:00:01 -0700

The sun does unsettling things to people. I’m always amazed by the number of us basking on Southern California’s summer beaches still trying to roast our skins and minds.

You Don't Derserve This Home

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:26:31 -0700

While there's nothing cooler than the slope of a 1957 Chevrolet's tail fin, that same car is a smog-spewing, gas-guzzling metal coffin with functional flaws aplenty. In the same vein, don't let the clean, distinctive lines and mass-market appeal of an Eichler designed home fool you — it's the '57 Chevy of real estate.

Heaven and Earth - Mystery

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 12:32:42 -0700

The nameless is the beginning of art and baseball. While the named is the mother of statistics, the nameless is the gateway to the mystery of everlasting hardball truth.

The Legend of the Dancing Goat Society

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 16:07:38 -0700

I grew up a coffee drinker in Southern California. By 1992, I was a member of The Dancing Goat Society. Let me explain. On a morning in Ethiopia, some 1200 years ago. Khaldi, a goat herder well known for his laid back manner, awoke to the sight of his flock behaving extraordinarily. The natty beasts were dancing a dervish, standing on hind legs and bleating a Dionysian rhapsody as if primed by the goat-god Pan. When Khaldi noticed some of them munching on branches of bright red berries he took it upon himself to do the same. Enlightenment was at hand. The berries tasted bitter, but soon Khaldi found himself exhilarated, clear-thinking and wonderously joyful.

Big Picture People

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 19:43:28 -0700

I draw a salary to work with Big Picture People. In spite of the self-ascribed grandeur of their visions and the sincerity of their altruistic posturing, I really can’t handle their crap without compensation. Sometimes serious compensation.