From Point Conception to the Mexican Border...
Nathan Callahan’s subversive and thought-provoking essays offer a lively deconstruction of contemporary culture at its most profoundly absurd. The rich and powerful, the sexually challenged, the religiously restricted, dogs, dopes, dreamers, the famous and infamous all come to life as Callahan encourages listeners, from a distinctly Southern California perspective, to peer into the center of the dream and snicker.
The Western Gate How the SoCal Byte Got Its Name
From Point Conception to the Mexican border, the coast shears in. Named after the Mission of the Immaculate Conception of the Most Holy Virgin Mary, the Point’s early residents — the Chumash — thought of their home as the "Western Gate," where the souls of the dead found passage to paradise. We live south of paradise, below the Cape of California. In the bight … more
Duck and Cover The Culture War Fetal Position
To better understand America’s culture war, a full consideration of Bert the Turtle is essential. Bert, by the way, starred in the 1951 United States Civil Defense film, Duck and Cover — a black and white animated American pop culture respond to the Soviet Union’s first atomic bomb test in August of 1949. … more
Misplaced Giving Charity Gift Donations in Your Name
Gift giving is a talent and a gift, in and of itself. But that talent may be waning in our world. Today, on the fringes there’s a marked increase in a segment of faux gifting. It’s called Gift Donations In Your Name.… more
Remarks at the End of the Next War Delivered in the Capitol of the Invaded Country
An exit speech for the next war modeled on US Defense Secretary Leon Panetta’s remarks on leaving Iraq. May God bless our troops, may God bless America, and may God bless those who cashed in.
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Cashing in on Schadenfreude Frank and I Meet Judge Judy
When I was a child, afternoons at the Callahan house were filled with the unfortunately televised presence of soap operas. The bad acting, the poor production and the sad ass storylines were depressing reminders that my family was middle brow and middle class. I was condemned to a world that looked to someone else’s misery as a form of entertainment. Post-soap opera, afternoons at the Callahan house have turned to court TV for their Schadenfreude.
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Tear Down This Statue A Thanksgiving Prayer Regarding the Fall of Ronald Reagan
Last week a bronze statue of Ronald Reagan at Bonita Canyon Sports Park in Newport Beach, California was remixed — painstakingly rendered, bent over, pulled down — in the same manner and position that Saddam Hussein’s statue was pulled down by Marines in Baghdad after our country’s illegal 2003 invasion of Iraq. Some thought it was thievery. Some thought it was vandalism. We know it was art.
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The Honor Overkill Problem How the Military Can Sharpen its Image
When a major league sports stadium fills, you can bet yours that someone there (with a microphone in front of them) is going to say something like “we are here to honor the men and women of the United States armed services.” There may be a jet fly over — Pratt & Whitney F100 Afterburning Turbofan screaming overhead and, in response, breaths will be taken away awesomely. The praise will be visceral — honor with a large side of whoopee. Rest assured, service to your country of the military kind will get you gianormous reverent recognition in big places. “What the hell was it that the president said. Give them all a beautiful parade instead.” But like Tom Waits, the armed forces shouldn’t oversell itself. That would create a big galoof brand image.
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Killer Storms On the State of Televised Weather Reporting
When Southern California’s TV weather reporters speak of rain, they warn of a wicked wet creature stalking the coast bringing with it the unfathomable horrors of a “build an ark” proportion beat down.
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Disingenuous Headwear The Personality of a Baseball Brand
There’s nothing more pathetic than a man born on third base who thinks he hit a triple. He’s generally dimwitted, yet if he’s enough of a schmoozer he’ll get others to believe his fantasy.
I’ve always been a fan of a reality-based world. In that regard, in the past I never wore a team’s colors, unless I was actually on the team. As for baseball, I wasn’t a player. I never hit a triple. I was a fan experiencing the ups and downs of my chosen team dressed like me, Nathan — not dressed like a player or coach, or, heaven forbid, a mascot.
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The Breathe Out Zen Neurotic Exercise Number One
Breathing out eliminates toxins and releases what no longer serves you. It pushes your head back into the game. And it’s a kind of protest, a way of stiffing the status quo. … more
Last Meals Not to Die For On Unneeded Business Meetings and Death Penalty Catering
There are times you don’t need to eat. For example: at business meetings and waiting for your execution. In current times of service societies, however, last meals are confusing, if not pointless, exercises. Are they a Make a Wish Foundation last right? Or are they our government’s way of saying “Hi, my name is Rick. I’ll be your executioner, today. You’re about to receive a lethal injection, but first how may we serve you? … more
The Blessing of Coffee How an Exaggerated Immune Response Gave Me Heaven
You may say the AMA’s deletion of breast milk from my diet is responsible for my addiction to coffee. It’s one of the few happy things doctors introduced to me. Coffee saved my life.… more
9-11 and the Art of Darkness Ten Years After Karlheinz Stockhausen Adjusted Our Brains
At a press conference in Hamburg, Germany on September 16, 2001, my favorite German avant-garde composer Karlheinz Stockhausen, when asked about the events of September 11th said, “Well, what happened there is, of course — now all of you must adjust your brains — the biggest work of art there has ever been.”
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The Frankenstein Trope On Brinkmanship and Rebels Without a Cause
One memorable scene in Rebel Without a Cause connected Hollywood’s new hot rod culture to the world of international politics. With it, director Nicholas Ray’s 1955 generation gap border-line B movie not only became the cinematic totem of teen angst in the suburbs, but provided philosopher Bertrand Russell with a plot device to explain the insanity of the Cold War. The scene and the device are called “Chicken.”
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The Creed of Serendipity In Praise of Random Events
I believe in an accidental god —one who appears by chance, makes heaven and earth, and all that is, seen and unseen, and then says, “Oops, what I have I done?” I believe in chance, the only son of accidents, eternally begotten of happenstance, contained in everything, of one being with randomness. A well-laid plan is all well and good, but serendipity, more often than not, determines the score. For our advancement (or salvation) we provide intent. It’s the only way to prepare ourselves for the random occurrences that dominate our lives. You didn’t expect that to happen — did you?
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Who’s High Here? Answering the DEA
Almost nine years after medical marijuana supporters asked the US government to reclassify cannabis — nine years to take into account the expanding volume of research that clearly demonstrates marijuana’s effectiveness in treating diseases like glaucoma, multiple sclerosis, neuropathic pain and muscle spasticity — our Drug Enforcement Administration concluded that cannabis has "no currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States." Is this not delusional?
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The Penis Graffiti of San Marin On Apparitions and Male Members in Suburbia
After she died, my mother frequently visited my father in their South Orange County home. She lost her war of attrition with cancer during the 55th year of their marriage —the last fifteen of which they lived in a 3,500 square foot two-story located on a corner in, what real estate professionals call, an upscale neighborhood — a mile from the Saint Regis with ocean views and plenty of home owner’s association covenants, conditions and restrictions.
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A Prayer for Eternity In Pursuit of My Living Forever
Oh, heavenly father, mother, sister, brother, all powerful, all knowing, 24/7/365 force of energy and nature who rises above and sees infinitely, hear me, oh lord, hear me. This mortal body is not enough. This mind is not enough. This moment is not enough. I want more. I want to live forever. And it is you who can make that possible. Through your divine love and extra special powers, only you can seal the deal that brokers life for eternity. May I have some, please?
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Bipolar Planet When Summer is Up, Winter Is Down
Are you violently happy, irritable, excited, restless, sad, ecstatic, calm, crying uncontrollably, sated, binge eating, horny, completely satisfied, hyperactive or just plain not sure? Of course, you are. You live on a bipolar planet.
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Andy Dick Meets The Edge What Will They Piss On Now?
This is a tale of two questionable gentleman. One, Andy Dick, is an adopted South Carolina boy who embraced his name which such enthusiasm that by high school he called himself “Super Dick.” The other, David Evans, is a Welsh born music loving son raised in Ireland who dropped his given name to become “The Edge.”
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Not Winning A Sensible Alternative to Obstinate Success
Outside of sports, games shows and the Academy Awards, people who call them themselves winners are predominantly deluded. No doubt, winning can be positive and exhilarating. Losing can be fucked. But let’s step outside of score-keeping and be honest. First of all losing isn’t necessarily the opposite of winning. To be sure, winning is a plus on some scale. Looking at it from the tail end: I don’t want to lose my life. But winning my life is nonsense. The opposite of winning may simply be taking the day off.
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The New Superstitions A Guide for Those of Little Brain
I was raised in a superstitious home. Black cats, walking under ladders, Friday the 13th — my family taught me that these things posed a serious threat to my well-being. But rather than adding magic to my life, my belief in these delusions made for a paranoiac early childhood. “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back” taken literally can produce panic and ulcers. Fortunately, by the time I was seven, I was questioning the legitimacy of bad luck and good.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast May 13, 2011
Political Laughs On Gray Matter and Monkey Makers
I don’t laugh at jokes. I don’t mind jokes and I do laugh. But I laugh at other things: attitudes, sounds, references, situations, timing. Laughing is my signal of playful intent and since for me play is best unstructured, try as I may, damned if I don’t laugh at jokes.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast April 29, 2011
Shopping Your Way to Hell Yea, Though I Walk Through the Valley of South Coast Plaza, I Fear No Evil
As a member of Reverend Billy’s Church of Stop Shopping, I recognize the Devil in corporate commercialism where I see it; how this devil inhabits nearly every aspect of our 21st century lives; how the sign of the brand has replaced the holy spirit; how we are christened consumers rather than citizens; how our public spaces, our information, our history, our laws are all subjugated to the forces of the money market, where the endless treadmill of consumption defines human progress. Money may not be the root of all evil, but it’s a good place to start looking
LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast April 22, 2011
The Last Word on Charlie Sheen There But For the Grace of God Go You
Suppose, at birth, your parents named you Carlos Irwin. Born in New York City, you had a setup that a majority of Americans would sacrifice their spleen for on the altar of envy. You were the youngest son of a famous actor and a famous artist. Like all enviable families, yours moved to Malibu, California. There you, the young Carlos, with your family’s help, became famous, too.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast April 15, 2011
The Crying of Lab 49 On the Dead and Their Wishes
In 2004, UCLA officials discovered that dead bodies willed for medical research to the university were being sold out the back door in a very black market. The sales took place between Henry Reid, the willed-body program’s director, and Ernest Nelson, a body broker, who harvested the corpses from UCLA’s cold storage room. Nelson then sawed the cadavers into suitable cuts of meat, packed them in igloos and hauled them off making more than $1 million selling the body parts to pharmaceutical and medical firms for research.
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First Broadcast March 25, 2011
Indecent Exposure A Cure for the Common Cold
Now that Jerry Brown is our governor, I’d like to make a suggestion that will not only help balance California’s budget, but increase productive hours for our workforce. But first, a little story: Yesterday, my friend Mark walked into my office and started sneezing. He wiped his nose with his hand. Then he did the thumb lick and paper turn — you know lick your thumb turn the page. The pages were in my copy of Mark Twain’s autobiography.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast March 18, 2011
The Patron Saint of Obscenity Evil to Him Who Evil Thinks
The other day, my cousin Wayne — who, by his own admission, is a very religious man — told me I’d go to hell because of the language I use. He was half serious and half right. I do use language that could get me in trouble. Let me explain. The podcast broadcast you’re listening to is designated as “explicit” on iTunes. One definition for the word “explicit” is “precisely and clearly expressed.” Explicit also means “leaving little to the imagination (especially, as far as iTunes is concerned) regarding sex.” The only explicit thing I do on-air, besides being precise and clear, is use the words “fuck” and “shit” — as in “What the fuck” and “Holy shit.” Neither of which regards sex.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast March 4, 2011
Resisting the Signature Capture Pad Against the Ruin of Pencraft
In the world of the electronic business, signatures live in purgatory. We swipe our credit cards though a reader and tap to verify the amount. Then the LCD lit screen requests that we perform a most unnecessary and humiliating act — sign our names on signature capture pad.
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First Broadcast February 25, 2011
Pro Football in Los Angeles Bringing Back the Dumb
One of the great blessings of currently living in Los Angeles proper is that professional football is non-existent. Without it, Sundays in LA have been sublime — a sharp contrast to the steroid influenced irrationally inspired exuberant violence the city experienced only a few decades ago.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast February 18, 2011
A National Rational Discourse What We Think We Say
What is the national discourse and who says what it is?
There’s the national discourse in Washington DC, on cable TV, online, in bar rooms, coffeehouses, at NASCAR, at MoMA, according to Fox, according to Harper’s at Sardi’s and at Pinks. Which one is authentic?
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First Broadcast February 11, 2011
Michael Woodcock as God The Instinctive Artist and Superintendent of Existence
In Michael’s artistic output there is an unsurpassed honesty and inventiveness. His work plays with convention. Yet, although the embodied Michael displays a spectacularly dry sense of humor, to think of his creations as humorous one-liners is a sin. “What I want,” he says “is for somebody I respect to look at one of these paintings and, after a minute or two, say ‘that’s the most beautiful dumb painting I’ve ever seen.’” … LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast February 4, 2011
Bristol Palin, Orange County is Where You Belong On Location, Location Location
It used to be that I didn’t give a shit about Bristol Palin. And by the way, I know I could have worded that first sentence with a bit more sophistication. I might have said, “There was a time when I cared more about balloon animals than I cared about Bristol Palin,” or “My indifference to Bristol Palin was, at times, immeasurable” or “In the past Bristol Palin — care factor zero.” But to be honest and succinct, it used to be that I didn’t give a shit about Bristol Palin. In fact, I gave sub-shit. On a care scale of one to ten with “balloon animals” a ten, Bristol Palin would have gotten less than zero. Yet, in spit of my intense indifference, Bristol Palin beckoned me, wherever I went. One might even say she haunted me.… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast January 28, 2011
Depth of Field and Fashion Sports and Vogue
Sports fans and fashion fans: The two pretend they’re unrelated.
Fans of sports worship the moment of anatomy and athletics. Fans of fashion worship the moment of anatomy and aesthetics. They act as if they’re not family. Who are they trying to fool? The swish of the skirt and the basket, the sharpness of the stiletto and the cut block, the grace of Chanel and Willie Mays — it’s so obvious… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast January 14, 2011
Listen to the Birds And Turn Down Your Schizophonia
Acute Schizophonia is the fastest growing disease in the US. The condition is caused by a dislocation between what you hear and what you see. Think of a dog barking at a pair of speakers amplifying cat sounds. That’s a minor case of Schizophnia… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast January 7, 2011
Conflicting Consensus Is Everyone OK With This?
Think of consensus as a glass of warm comforting milk — homogenized milk. Instead of voting on something — with the result that the majority gets its way — consensus building has the goal of a solution that everyone is “OK” with. As of yet, there is no consensus on what “OK” means… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast December 24, 2010
People Are Strange Jim Morrison and the Queer State of Florida
It was while performing drunk and irreverently at a Door’s concert at the Dinner Key Auditorium in the Coconut Grove section of Miami on March 1, 1969 that Morrison achieved complete freedom while his penis made headlines… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast December 17, 2010
Time Does Not Fly The Ultimate Minute Extension Program
Today, I’m going to show you how to live longer. Now, I don’t intend to add years onto your life or to make you immortal. We’ll save that for another session. But with Southern California’s latest addition to the self-improvement cavalcade, the Ultimate Minute Extension Program, I guarantee that every minute you live will be prolonged beyond your wildest expectations … LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast December 10, 2010
Our Lives on Holidays On Temporal Naming Rights
I was driving down Harbor Boulevard last weekend when I saw it arriving. You know what I’m talking about. It started with a 10 foot banner that said “Noel.” Next I saw twinkly lights on the hedges and palms around South Coast Plaza. On Sunflower, cranes were positioning reindeer light sculptures. A block away a chain link fence in a Home Depot parking lot marked the boundaries of a future Douglas Fir holding yard. Jesus Christ on a bike, I’m sick of it already and it’s not even December. Here we go — the slide into obsessive oblivion — our head into the holidays.… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast November 26, 2010
Compliments Gone Wild How Not to Use Praise
You’ve been a very attentive audience. Thank you. I like praise, too. In fact, I’d like some praise for here, and some to go. But please be certain it’s praise you’re giving me, not butter-up, brown nose, peer-hopping, lip-service… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast November 19, 2010
The Movie Sets of Frank Lloyd Wright American Idol Architect
Most intellectuals in the chattering class (as if there’s any other kind) revile Hollywood’s incessant worship of the mundane. But the American tradition of unjust boundless praise isn’t limited to entertainment nitwits. In that regard the learned class can be just as vacant … LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast November 12, 2010
Earthquake Weather On NetQuakes and Subterranean Winds
In the never-ending attempt to lay maps on the territory, scientists from the U.S. Geologic Survey are currently looking for volunteers in Orange County interested in installing home-based earthquake sensors. … more
Kirk, Harold and Maude On Memorabilia and Memory
Even though I’m a big baseball fan, I’m also anti-memorabilia-ist. Storing material prompts for memories is neither my ambition, nor my religion. However, the recent news that baseball legend Kirk Gibson was auctioning off his treasured Dodger World Series keepsakes grabbed me in the way Ruth Gordon’s character in Harold and Maude grabbed me … more
Snow White and the EPA Creationist On the State of Science and Religion
Last weekend, during that familiar yet awkward point at a wedding reception — before the toasts, cake cutting and garter toss — when the improvised B-list seating arrangements conspire in unpredictably embarrassing ways, I found myself sitting with a group of biologists.… more
Circling the Seniors The Natural Habitat of Real Estate Vultures
Up the outside flight of steep concrete stairs 81-year-old Frank — hot meal in hand — slowly climbs to a small landing and rings a doorbell. A long minute passes. The front door opens. A head in shadows peers out from inside. Then a wavering aphasiated octogenarian women’s voice dampened by a stroke asks Frank to open the security door that serves as protection against the world outside. The tiny landing is jammed with stacks of old wet newspapers, empty flower pots and two seatless chairs, so, in order to open the security door that swings outward, Frank has to step backward off the landing, balancing the hot meal.… more
The Hyperreal Whorehouse Themepark Simulacra and Stimulation
This Summer in Orange County, California, Knott's Berry Farm began the tear-down of Goldie's Place — one of the themepark’s last original buildings from the 1940s. The demolition began with little fanfare. That’s surprising because Goldie’s is the berry farm’s imaginary Whorehouse. … more
The Thank God School of Business Pepperdine’s PR Purgatorio
It’s 2 am. The radio is on. But it feels like a dream. Somehow a voice on the air is tempting me to enroll at the Graziadio School of Business and Management. Graziadio? A school of business that thanks God in Italian? How could this be?… more
The Carnivore’s License A Simple Solution to the Ethical Regulation of Slaughter
As a diet conscious Southern Californian, I’ve read the horrifying literature on beef and beef poo. I know about zombie chickens that can’t walk because their bodies have been transformed into meatballs. I’m told there’s lead and Pacific Gyre plastic in the Pacific so the fish are chemically enhanced. Pesticides and hormones are everywhere, mutating everything on my kitchen table. I try to eat as many fresh vegetables as I can, but I’m always checking the pedigree. Organic? On the stem? Packaged or unpackaged? Grapes from Chile? How many gallons of petrol does it take to make Ceasar Chavez roll over in his United Fruit Workers coffin. My coffee is free trade. Do I get bonus points? Is it OK to consume eggs? Sourdough? Twinkies? Tap water? Free range Chicken McNuggets?… more
The Greatest Beneficiary Generation A Lesson in Perspective for the Orange County Symphony
Earlier this year, Orange County, California’s Pacific Symphony dedicated a performance to “the greatest generation any society has produced”. Even though this so-called Greatest Generation is still with us, thanks to the blessing of old age they’re dwindling in numbers. And by Greatest Generation I don’t mean the generation who grew up in the United States during the Great Depression, and then went on to fight in World War II. What I mean is the people who grew up during that time and actually believe that they are The Greatest Generation who ever lived. What a load of crap.… more
Circumstantial Disabilities A Guide to the Accidentally Challenged
Dylan Thomas once said that “A born writer is born scrofulous (scruffulous); his career is an accident dictated by physical or circumstantial disabilities.” I’m not sure whether or not I’m a born writer, but I do know that I’m scruffulous — or as my parents used to say, morally degenerate and corrupt. Maybe Dylan Thomas was right. Maybe my degeneracy is related to a disability. It hasn’t gotten me a job. But I’ve always believed in hiring the disabled. Let them suffer like the rest of the world.… more
Gas Powered Recreation Thoughts on Human Ignorance
It was the front page headline in Los Angeles Times and dominated the local news channels for days. On August 14th, an decked-out off-road Ford Ranger with “Misery Motorsports” painted on its doors went airborne at the California 200 desert race and smacked into a crowd of spectators killing eight and injuring 12.… more
One Year, Two Summers Real Life Seasons in Southern California
In the summer of 1970, Washington, D.C., turned ugly. Ugly not because of the war in Vietnam, or political scandal, or urban riots. Ugly because it was hot—101 degrees perspiration-gathering-on-the-tip-of-your-nose and in-the-small-of-your-back hot. The heat wilted trees on Eye Street and visually bent the brownstones.… more
My First Air Show One Source of My Fear of Flying
There's a thump at the back of my head — on the wall. Then, I'm in the soup between awake and asleep. Was the screen door slamming?. Frank and Bettilou — my parents —— run into the back yard. With a new moon sky Mom trips, sails and hits the ground. Above, in the silence, a Cessna's engine starts.…more
The Big Reason Legends, Mantras Battle Cries and Truth in Advertising
As my grandmother Elizabeth aged, nearly all her statements became mottoes or slogans or platitudes. “It’s a great life if you don’t weaken,” she said right after we sang her birthday song .… more
Little Beasts Child Rearing in an Adult World
I am not myself today. It isn’t because I am awash in all variety of ruination — that my 17 year-old dog, Luna, died in my arms last Wednesday or that my 100 year-old senile grandmother — of whom I am the only grandchild — called me Herman (her long deceased brother’s name), and told me to milk the cows (I consented, hundreds of miles from the nearest bovine utter) .… more
Heat Is Murder On Sunscreen and Serial Killings
The sun does unsettling things to people. I’m always amazed by the number of us basking on Southern California’s summer beaches still trying to roast our skins and minds.…more
You Don't Deserve This Home Joseph Eichler’s Mass Market Architectural Conceit
While there's nothing cooler than the slope of a 1957 Chevrolet's tail fin, that same car is a smog-spewing, gas-guzzling metal coffin with functional flaws aplenty. In the same vein, don't let the clean, distinctive lines and mass-market appeal of an Eichler designed home fool you — it's the '57 Chevy of real estate… more
Heaven and Earth Thoughts on Baseball, Art and Other Altered States: Mystery
The nameless is the beginning of art and baseball. While the named is the mother of statistics, the nameless is the gateway to the mystery of everlasting hardball truth… more
The Legend of the Dancing Goat Society So the Goodness May Flow Through the Liquid I grew up a coffee drinker in Southern California. By 1992, I was a member of The Dancing Goat Society. Let me explain. On a morning in Ethiopia, some 1200 years ago. Khaldi, a goat herder well known for his laid back manner, awoke to the sight of his flock behaving extraordinarily. The natty beasts were dancing a dervish, standing on hind legs and bleating a Dionysian rhapsody as if primed by the goat-god Pan. When Khaldi noticed some of them munching on branches of bright red berries he took it upon himself to do the same. Enlightenment was at hand. The berries tasted bitter, but soon Khaldi found himself exhilarated, clear-thinking and wonderously joyful… more
Big Picture People It's a Binary Shakedown. Here's Their Scam I draw a salary to work with Big Picture People. In spite of the self-ascribed grandeur of their visions and the sincerity of their altruistic posturing, I really can’t handle their crap without compensation. Sometimes serious compensation…more
